Yesterday in yoga class, I became so discouraged. I suddenly came face to face with my own mind and my own mental limitations; not just my physical limitations. I had the unfortunate, or fortunate (depending on your view) pleasure of taking a yoga class with several of my instructors (all in their 20s) and other advanced yogis in the class. The class is surrounded in mirrors, and we are asked to look at ourselves, so it's ego confrontation central. In every move, I was the one at the highest elevation in the room, with the least bend, the least flexibility, and the least strength. I would look at the others bent like rubber bands and full of strength; that ole compare and despair habit kicked in. I started justifying it with age. Thinking to myself, 'oh, i'm almost 20 yrs older than most of these people.' After class I talked to my instructor about how my lower back was continuing to hurt and my knees were beginning to hurt. She asked me to modify the poses even more, so that now, I might even be worse off than the 70 yr woman who is in class sometimes.
That said, during class I decided that much of what I was facing was my own fear and resistance. So throughout class, despite my pain, disappointment and truly wounded ego, I started smiling. I didn't feel like smiling, but it helped anyway. I smiled through every single pose and made it through. Later though, when I got home, I was still discouraged inside. And as most of us do (I imagine), I was trying to find something in the outside world, outside of me to blame it on. I had many thoughts, such as, 'oh I'm in a class with a bunch of 22 year old rubber bands.' The better part of myself debunked that, by reminding myself, that of all the yoga classes I have attended in Los Angeles, Bikram has largest group of over 55 year old students, who by the way, are a hell of a lot more agile than some of the 20 year olds I've seen. So back to my fear, my submission to suffering and misery as my state of being. This is a character defect of mine.
My next fear-based, blame the outside world excuse: I decided I needed a new yoga studio. It's the yoga studio's fault, of course! I quickly develop a grumpy laundry list of why Bikram is too hot, too smelly and too young (all of it not true); again, more fear. But I indulge this dark mental whim in myself, and go hunting for other HOT, sexy yoga studios. I come across "Power Yoga." I peruse several different centers for power yoga, and again I find that every teacher, and every student in the class photos is sleek and under the age of 30. They all look like rubber bands. I'm then reminded of my horrifying experiment with a Wii Fit game at my mother's house which reported that my "Wii Fit age" was actually 49 yrs old. Ahhh! That's not true! It can't be. I'm so young-- I cannot be physically accelerated in age by 12 years!
Now I'm so pissed at myself, at how this discouraging line of thinking is going to send me back to the couch with bon bons in hand and a Wii Fit Age of 91, that I begin to psyche myself into a Brett Favre mindset: you're not too old for this game, and I'll prove it to you! So I google "old yoga instructors in Los Angeles." I know, a desperate search query, but I was feeling desperate... just hoping I could meet a guy like Frank again. Frank was a 70+ year old yoga instructor who used to yell in class, "We don't burn incense- we burn calories." I didn't find any "old" instructors in Los Angeles, but I didn't look too hard. Before I could, I happened across this woman, and she inspired me just enough to get my positive spirit back. I hope you find her inspiring, too.
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